Thursday, February 24, 2011

I'm Seeing Spots

OK ladies, and for that matter, gents, I overheard a conversation
at the gym today between two older fellas (at least in their early
60's). Says one, "Well, it didn't work out with her."   He said " She
had spots on her hands, they looked old."






 So, these two guys proceeded to hash out why their mutual friend (a widower of
some age like 65, but in good shape, naturally, there are never any 
out-of-shape older men) could not find a girl friend. One surmised 
it was because he had been married to a much younger
version (she died remember, yes, I was very close and privy to conversation) and
was used to... yes, tight ass and pussy. obviously then, any woman over the
age of 29 is a useless, worn out, stretched out hunk of junk. The other
fella thought that he was just being too picky. Picky? Well, seeing as
I knew these guys and I just couldn't resist, I piped in and as an opener
said, "Well it's nice to hear the other side is bitching about the same thing."
Of course, I reminded these guys that their friend must have other issues
if he is thinking about how hands look when he has a piece of ass in
bed and is getting his nut off. That got their attention. So....

Where does that leave us? They argued that women want only one thing
from a man- yes, money(like yeah, tell me something new). I argued that men 
only want one thing from a woman- yes, tight ass and convenient pussy. Only, I think it is again
a man's world because there are so many more women willing to give
up their "seat of power" in order to secure a place in this world. There
are not enough men out there who have their shit together financially and 
emotionally to fulfill our needs. Maybe, if women wouldn't "put out"
so quickly, men might just have to work for it a little harder. In the
end, when a man is working everyone benefits. When he is a bum, meaning
no plan, no work, no hobby, no instinct, we all suffer. For me, there
is nothing worse than a woman without integrity and nothing worse
than a man without ambition. Again, when is it a bad thing for a man
to be financially secure and settled?

So as I got up to leave, they asked how my love life was going. I said
nowhere. They couldn't believe it seeing as I am an attractive woman (their words) 
in her late 40's with a body that makes most 25 year olds jealous, They said "How
could you not have a boyfriend? ",I said "Easy, Maybe I have one too many
spots and maybe men don't know the right spot to hit to capture a real woman's heart".

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Don't Call Me A Puma, a Cougar, or even a Jaguar!




Definition of a Puma: Pumas are the babies, women in their 20's or 30's, not as experienced as Cougars, they date, fat, balding, rich, older men.  
Definition of a Cougar: A woman in her sexual prime in her 40's who prefers to hunt rather than be hunted. A cougar's victims are usually under 30, as cougars prefer to mate with men who still have hair. Cougars generally feed and then continue hunting, as they enjoy role reversal.

Defnition of a Jaguar: a jaguar is 50 and over, Jaguars tend to be financially stable and are only looking for sex from younger men. (Definitions courtesy of UrbanDictionary.com)

Not totally inaccurate, as we do enjoy HRMS (hot retarded monkey sex) with an amazing lover (try to find THAT in a man in their 20's's or 30's...good luck) but we don't want to hunt, not really. We want to be pursued, by a man, NOT a boy. So what do we call ourselves? Women who are divorced/widowed, in their late 40's or early 50's, still hot and exceedingly knowledgeable and passionate, but have spent the last twenty years raising a family and/or pursuing a career and seriously neglected in the passion department. Women who are fit, smart, accomplished and have a sense of humor. How about not labeling ourselves, but simply proclaiming that we are women, and we need to be treated with respect, to be pursued with passion and to be more than a notch on the belt that inevitably holds up the "dunlop" pooch. Speaking of which, waz up wit dat? Show some body integrity guys! Oh, off that soapbox, totally another blog.

             During the past few weeks we have contemplated the possibility that we may indeed never find a man that creates in us a feeling of passion, abandon and yes, love. And that's scary. We do not want to be THAT woman, you know, the woman with the cats. So far, we have both found a man/lost a man who has created this sensation of passion and love since we have been divorced, but unfortunately as frequently happens, these men had huge... (yes that too) red flags. One of them was totally devoted, wanted marriage, but refused to grow up emotionally and financially and worst of all, could not "put down the beer."  The other, a friend who by the way lived oh, only 3000 miles away, came on like gangbusters in the beginning, but quickly retreated stating he was not yet ready for a relationship and that I was getting "too attached."  Funny, wasn't he the one who texted me at all hours of the day and night, and sent me quotes from songs and spiritual books (which meant of course he was deep, right?)  Wasn't he the one who held me all night long and told me he had never been this passionate with a woman before?  Oh, I guess I should not have come to the conclusion that he cared or wanted anything. Just HRMS without emotion, love or passion. How stupid of me, but much more, how stupid of him.


                        No, there is not a perfect man or woman out there, this has been established. And each relationship comes into our lives to teach us a lesson.  So, we have learned some lessons and we realize that we are alone, even though our lives are full of friends, work, family and fun. But damn, it sure would be fun to share this with another person, someone who is mature, open, is a great lover, has passion and is ready to face the challenge of being in a relationship that is deep and meaningful and of course, is a great lover.  (Did we say great lover twice? oops!) Is there anyone out there who would like that?  If so, let us know. Because we are not Cougars, not Jaguars, not an animal at all, we are Goddesses.

Definition of a Goddess:  a woman who is so beautiful, brilliant, and wholesome that she is simply not like any other woman on Earth and therefore possesses some sort of uncommon spiritual element that while it cannot be solidly defined, is clearly present. Yep, that pretty much says it all. 



Sunday, February 13, 2011

As Bugs Bunny says "Of course you know, this means war"

So here we are, after having sex with a man we realize we have an attachment to, feelings for...or something.. basically we just like him...and we're fucked.  We are in No Man's Land, literally. If we are honest, and express our feelings, we've surrendered. We need to play the game. What is the game you ask?  To attract the man you like, without sending him into a hasty retreat. We start to develop a strategy.  But that is the antithesis of what we need, which is love. Game playing creates facades and misperceptions, which later, if you do have a more committed relationship. are revealed and create mistrust and disillusionment. So what to do? Do we risk negotiations for peace or do we enter into battle?  Peace negotiations rarely work, they get their "peace" of ass and all we get is the DMZ. So the first line of battle is the No Contact Approach. Do not call, do not text him, if he texts you (because he certainly won't call you, he doesn't want to hear your voice, that is why men developed texting, one more way to remove the emotion from the equation)  wait....if you do text him back, feign disinterest, proceed with the sham attack.  If he sexts you, tell him to call you. if he has any balls, balls which you have already in great detail, described to your girlfriend...their roundness, their peachy colors, their manscaping, their lack of manscaping...if  he has any balls, he will call. And if he doesn't call,  Game Over.  Are you "man" enough to do that?  Not likely, because our fear of loneliness overpowers our common sense.  We break down, we text him, we email him, we facebook stalk him...until all possibility of ever having an erotic encounter with him again vanishes. Game Over. Men want to hunt, and if we take away their drive, they don't feel like a man.  And one thing that all men want, is to feel like a man, in bed, out of bed, at work, in the car, at home etc.. etc..etc.. And in our 21st century foolery, we have removed that possibility by becoming sexually revolutionized and easily captured.  And now we are a prisoner of war.  With a chance for escape, by simply leaving, but for some reason we decide that staying in this prison is better than taking our chances in the lonely civilian world. When you are not playing the game with some sort of soldier..you are alone.Whether the game is functional or dysfunctional, if you are not in the game, somehow, you are alone. And probably lonely.  Because society tells us that if we don't have a man, we must be lonely. And the truth is, we are.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

The Rub is this: Men do not want the same thing....

All the cliches are true, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, The Yin The Yang, The Light the Dark, The Shakti, the Shiva. The rub is, that  most women want intimacy in every way, physical and emotional.  Men want SEX.  Women need love, Men want love.  It's different.  For example, we start seeing someone and make the 21st Century mistake of having sex with them too soon.  Not in their eyes of course, but for the woman, yes.  Because we form emotional attachments more quickly than men do.  We decide in the first five minutes, if we are going to bed them down.  Men will bed anything down, as long as it is breathing, ever heard the phrase Coyote Ugly?  The rub is, with that physical intimacy for the woman comes emotion.  No matter how loudly we proclaim...I can have sex for fun, I don't need to be attached...that just doesnt work.   It's for real and like it or not, we bond when we have sex.  Like gorilla glue.  They on the other hand say,  "I'll call you"  or more up to date  "I'll text you"  And in boy time, that could mean anything.  And the woman, most likely even if she is a strong, independent person with love for herself and her own identity, blah, blah, blah... still will neurotically wait for her phone to vibrate.  And when it doesn't, the fear manifests itself in a sickening pattern of phone calls, voice mails and texts to her best girlfriend...will he call?, when is he going to text? Because we have discussed every intimate detail of said sexual encounter with her. EVERY DETAIL (yes guys, its true)  Meanwhile the man has not thought two seconds about anything, except maybe the possibility that he might get his d*** wet again and that doesn't necessarily mean with you.   He's onto football, his next golf game, work.  Your sexual encounter is but a German U-Boat that has fallen off the radar.  Thus begin the WAR GAMES...

Dating as a Woman: We are All on the Same Grain of Sand

So, my friend and I took a girls' only trip to a tropical spot together.  We are old friends from high school and hadn't really spent time together talking in eons.  So, being retired from marraige, but interested in love, the talks naturally turned to men, love, relationships and how dysfunctional they can be.  What did we discover?  We are all on the same grain of sand.  Guess what?  You aren't the only woman who has experienced the following:  an abusive relationship (emotional or physical), a mate who has disconnected, indifference, passion, surprise, or a man who says one thing, but does another.  We found that even though we hadn't spoken personally or intimately with each other in over 25 years, our life and love experiences were frightenly similar.    And now, after marraige, illness, children, careers are now seeking the depth of a passionate and caring relationship.  The problem is where are the men who are seeking the same?  Therein lies the rub, there aren't any, not that we can find.