Happy Birthday??? Is 50 the new 40? what a cosmic joke

happy birthday? well, let's just say that the "man upstairs" has a
wicked, wretched
sense of humor and really knows how to give you a reality check.

spent a great week celebrating my big one, 50, with lots of friends,
food, fun and
frivolity. i initiated most of the activities knowing that the actual
day, monday, would
be a busy work day not only for me, but for anyone that might be
inclined to remember or
celebrate with me.

so, how did my fabulous birthday begin this blessed monday morning?....
with a harsh reminder that i am getting old. my "best man" spent the
night
with me after a sweet late afternoon of burgers and friends on a
beautiful, full moon
night. early to bed and then, yes early to rise! only to be rudely
awakened by
a "birthday candle" that was ready to be lit. but was i? no, so
instead of a loving,
slow burn, i got the high hard one that after a few bumps and grinds
petered out. the
reason you ask? well, he said, "it just dried up" down there. really?
did he really say
this?

needless to say, whatever mood was there was completely killed. and
this sort of thing
almost never happens. but why today of all days? how much older can i feel?

so i got up, let the dog out, made coffee, emptied dishwasher, took
him coffee and OJ
(in bed i might add) took out the trash, turned on the irrigation (for
expensive sod) and
sat down to look at my facebook. and there sat some really great
messages for me, especially
one from my son.

so the day began poorly, but within 15 minutes, was completely turned
around. so, i will
call my boys, call my mother who is really the only person in this
world that understands
and appreciates our birthday and i will be so grateful to have family
and friends and another birthday.

well, onward and upward as they say and maybe, just maybe i will give
him another chance to do just that.

Woman in the Mirror: Age is just a number!

So, my roomie and I decide to go out clubbing last night.  I told her, I have only 27 days left until I turn 50, so I want to take advantage of every day left!  She (being 35) assures me that I don't need to panic.  In fact, she says, you don't look a day over 40.  After all, if you did, people would wonder why I was hanging out with you! Wow, that made me feel better...not.  Anyway, I love to go dancing. . I have been several times in the past 9 months since my separation.  Usually to clubs filled with 20 and 30 somethings, cause well, that's what I "see" myself as. Tonight, we decided to hit a club with an older crowd...30,40 years old and up usually go here.  It is an upscale crowd in a fluent part of town. This club is "the place to be".

     We walk in the door and it hits me like a slap in the face.  I DO NOT LIKE WHAT I SEE.  Cougars...everywhere.  To my right at a table, two very attractive blonde women who frankly look like a carbon copy of myself.  I see them and think...look at those poor cougars, how pathetic.  Then I think..oh shit...that's ME!  Do I look like that?  and do people think that when they see me?  Then up near the bar, three women who appear to be in their 40's.  They are dressed very provocatively and are very attractive and sexy..  But to me, they seem pathetic.  and scary.  and again I think...is that what I am?    I tell my roomie that I don't like this place and we should head to the club we usually go to, but she refuses.  "We are here," she says. "I don't want to go all the way downtown."  I immediately order a martini..  (I usually drink beer cause liquor makes me a bit crazy) I even tell her, "You know why I don't like this place?  Because it is a mirror of what I am now, and I don't want to be that." She just tells looks at me, a bit taken aback.   I down the martini and order a beer.   I know I am gonna need to drink a lot tonight.
    So, after a martini and two beers, I begin to loosen up (imagine that) and we do see some friends of ours there.  We go over to where they are sitting and I decide to just get out on the dance floor with everyone else.  Once the music starts pounding and alcohol takes over, I begin to have fun.  Lots of fun.  Just acting crazy, dancing with whoever comes by.  I see everyone else having fun as well.  No, they are not all 20 years old and beautiful.  They are all ages, sizes and colors.  But the one thing in common is that we are all there to meet others, have fun, dance a little, and maybe, just maybe, find someone compatible to hang out with for a while, if only for tonight.  I look across the dance floor and see a beautiful Jamaican man looking at me.  I look directly at him and with the finesse of a cougar on the prowl, begin to lure him towards me.  We dance all night, laughing and having fun with everyone else.  I have no clue if he knows I will be 50 in 3 weeks, and frankly, does it matter?  Age is just a number.  It is how we feel inside that counts.  And right now, this night, I feel free and young at heart.  And if that looks foolish to others....who cares.
He asks for my "digits" as we leave for the night.  He texts me first thing this morning.  Being as he is just 33 years old, I kindly thank him for his attentions, but tell him, alas, he is too young for me.  But if he ever wants to have fun dancing again, I am up for it.  Yes, age is just a number, but reality is reality.

Better Off? Who says????

"Well, you're better off."

These are the words that are repeated so often after someone has heard of your unfortunate circumstances, i.e. THE DIVORCE .  Am I better off? This judgement from someone who is usually married and speaking from the relative comfort of a marital relationship. I never hear this from those of us who are divorced or widowed.  Exactly how am I better??

• Sleepless nights worrying about money. 
•  Sleepless nights worrying about the health of emotionally ravaged children.
• Friendships or perceived friendships that just vanish into thin air 
• Sexually suspect all of a sudden, the subject of moral ridicule, the subject of sexual ridicule
• lonely nights,  lonely mornings.
• family vacations that will never happen
• Vacationing alone because you have no one to take
• The subject of much neighborhood gossip
• Christmas cards cut by 80%
• Painful holidays 
• Birthdays that just slip by   
• The inevitable letters from lawyers or CPA's telling you that your decree is going to change
• Trying your best to stand up when all you want to do is crumble
• A regretful past, an uncertain present and a completely frightening future 

Then there is the blossoming friendship, the renewed friendships,  the
man that helps you feel alive again. the laughter, the tears. Some new
opportunities, business or otherwise. There is a call from a friend, "Buy a plane ticket,  we're going to Mexico!"There is the regret in a friend's eyes because they judged you wrongly and they miss you.  But you know that they have lost you and that's ok. Maybe your new friends will appreciate you more and you will make better choices of friends and relationships in the frightening future.   

 

I do have my health again. I am most grateful for that and my kids have shown real maturity in building a new relationship with their estranged father.  The past is not all regret. I know logically and literally, that he is the one who has  lost and really suffering, so why doesn't this make me feel victorious? Are any of us really better off?

Alone is not lonely...not anymore

So, several months after separating from my husband.  One intense love affair which went down in flames (not my choice btw) Another rekindling of a flame from long ago, but my the passion for him on my side was no longer there.  And yes, even a fling with a man much younger than I....a fantasy come true, and I found out I CAN have sex without love and enjoy it, but it's not my preference.  So, I sit here alone, on a Saturday night, the night of the biggest full moon EVER.  It is cloudy, but a beautiful warm evening and I sit here on my back porch listening to Pandora Radio, with Lauryn Hill as the station.  I am happy.  Six months ago, I would have been lonely.  I would have frantically texted, emailed, facebooked anyone I could think of to NOT feel lonely.  But, I don't need to do that anymore.

Being with myself is enough.  Knowing that the love I want is inside of me,  not outside.  I can just give out love, non conditional, but with boundaries.  By freeing myself to give love and not be needy about it, I find myself OK with being alone on a Saturday night.  Ok with just sitting here, enjoying the evening, the music and solitude.

It was a long time coming, this feeling.  It was a painful transition from being lost to maybe just maybe, finding myself again.  I hope this feeling lasts.  It is liberating.  I hope you find it too, all you ladies out there who I know are just like me.  Searching for someone to fill that space, when that someone is you.  Take heart, and know that to be true, and the love you seek will be present, always.

Choices

I almost went back to my ex this weekend.  I was "this close" to just changing my mind, about leaving a marraige which had been passionless for the past 10 years, husband disengaged.  Despite attempts over the years to wake him up and get some attention, he remained oblivious to my desire to be with him, spend time together experiencing new things.  And when I finally told him I was unhappy, needed to separate, he was shocked!   From other women I have talked to, this seems to happen all the time.  Men need to be hit over the head to hear us, and by the time we have the nerve to do such, we have already left emotionally.  And it is tough to go back.  But since leaving I have discovered, the world out there isn't much better.  What are the chances of a 50 year old woman finding someone else who will love her?  My ex says he still loves me, will take me back.  He has changed quite a bit since I left, but do I trust that will continue?  And what if I go back and I feel that overwhelming suffocation that forced me to leave in the first place?  If I can't go back with full commitment, I shouldn't go back at all.  That would not be fair to him.  So, I feel I need to take action with this feeling, but a wise friend advised me not to "do anything."  Just sit with it and see what happens.  Meanwhile the clock is ticking, and I feel life may be passing me by.  Tough choices, life choices. But whatever I choose, it will be OK.  I could meet someone tomorrow who will change my life.  So, I will stay the course, stay in the boat and ride down the river, regardless of the inevitable rough waters which maybe ahead, or perhaps, just perhaps, a nice calm flowing river.  We will see....

I'm Seeing Spots

OK ladies, and for that matter, gents, I overheard a conversation

at the gym today between two older fellas (at least in their early

60's). Says one, "Well, it didn't work out with her."   He said " She

had spots on her hands, they looked old."

 So, these two guys proceeded to hash out why their mutual friend (a widower of

some age like 65, but in good shape, naturally, there are never any 

out-of-shape older men) could not find a girl friend. One surmised 

it was because he had been married to a much younger

version (she died remember, yes, I was very close and privy to conversation) and

was used to... yes, tight ass and pussy. obviously then, any woman over the

age of 29 is a useless, worn out, stretched out hunk of junk. The other

fella thought that he was just being too picky. Picky? Well, seeing as

I knew these guys and I just couldn't resist, I piped in and as an opener

said, "Well it's nice to hear the other side is bitching about the same thing."

Of course, I reminded these guys that their friend must have other issues

if he is thinking about how hands look when he has a piece of ass in

bed and is getting his nut off. That got their attention. So....

Where does that leave us? They argued that women want only one thing

from a man- yes, money(like yeah, tell me something new). I argued that men 

only want one thing from a woman- yes, tight ass and convenient pussy. Only, I think it is again

a man's world because there are so many more women willing to give

up their "seat of power" in order to secure a place in this world. There

are not enough men out there who have their shit together financially and 

emotionally to fulfill our needs. Maybe, if women wouldn't "put out"

so quickly, men might just have to work for it a little harder. In the

end, when a man is working everyone benefits. When he is a bum, meaning

no plan, no work, no hobby, no instinct, we all suffer. For me, there

is nothing worse than a woman without integrity and nothing worse

than a man without ambition. Again, when is it a bad thing for a man

to be financially secure and settled?

So as I got up to leave, they asked how my love life was going. I said

nowhere. They couldn't believe it seeing as I am an attractive woman (their words) 

in her late 40's with a body that makes most 25 year olds jealous, They said "How

could you not have a boyfriend? ",I said "Easy, Maybe I have one too many

spots and maybe men don't know the right spot to hit to capture a real woman's heart".

Don't Call Me A Puma, a Cougar, or even a Jaguar!

Definition of a Puma: Pumas are the babies, women in their 20's or 30's, not as experienced as Cougars, they date, fat, balding, rich, older men.  

Definition of a Cougar: A woman in her sexual prime in her 40's who prefers to hunt rather than be hunted. A cougar's victims are usually under 30, as cougars prefer to mate with men who still have hair. Cougars generally feed and then continue hunting, as they enjoy role reversal.

Defnition of a Jaguar: a jaguar is 50 and over, Jaguars tend to be financially stable and are only looking for sex from younger men. (Definitions courtesy of UrbanDictionary.com)

Not totally inaccurate, as we do enjoy HRMS (hot retarded monkey sex) with an amazing lover (try to find THAT in a man in their 20's's or 30's...good luck) but we don't want to hunt, not really. We want to be pursued, by a man, NOT a boy. So what do we call ourselves? Women who are divorced/widowed, in their late 40's or early 50's, still hot and exceedingly knowledgeable and passionate, but have spent the last twenty years raising a family and/or pursuing a career and seriously neglected in the passion department. Women who are fit, smart, accomplished and have a sense of humor. How about not labeling ourselves, but simply proclaiming that we are women, and we need to be treated with respect, to be pursued with passion and to be more than a notch on the belt that inevitably holds up the "dunlop" pooch. Speaking of which, waz up wit dat? Show some body integrity guys! Oh, off that soapbox, totally another blog.

             During the past few weeks we have contemplated the possibility that we may indeed never find a man that creates in us a feeling of passion, abandon and yes, love. And that's scary. We do not want to be THAT woman, you know, the woman with the cats. So far, we have both found a man/lost a man who has created this sensation of passion and love since we have been divorced, but unfortunately as frequently happens, these men had huge... (yes that too) red flags. One of them was totally devoted, wanted marriage, but refused to grow up emotionally and financially and worst of all, could not "put down the beer."  The other, a friend who by the way lived oh, only 3000 miles away, came on like gangbusters in the beginning, but quickly retreated stating he was not yet ready for a relationship and that I was getting "too attached."  Funny, wasn't he the one who texted me at all hours of the day and night, and sent me quotes from songs and spiritual books (which meant of course he was deep, right?)  Wasn't he the one who held me all night long and told me he had never been this passionate with a woman before?  Oh, I guess I should not have come to the conclusion that he cared or wanted anything. Just HRMS without emotion, love or passion. How stupid of me, but much more, how stupid of him.

                        No, there is not a perfect man or woman out there, this has been established. And each relationship comes into our lives to teach us a lesson.  So, we have learned some lessons and we realize that we are alone, even though our lives are full of friends, work, family and fun. But damn, it sure would be fun to share this with another person, someone who is mature, open, is a great lover, has passion and is ready to face the challenge of being in a relationship that is deep and meaningful and of course, is a great lover.  (Did we say great lover twice? oops!) Is there anyone out there who would like that?  If so, let us know. Because we are not Cougars, not Jaguars, not an animal at all, we are Goddesses.

Definition of a Goddess:  a woman who is so beautiful, brilliant, and wholesome that she is simply not like any other woman on Earth and therefore possesses some sort of uncommon spiritual element that while it cannot be solidly defined, is clearly present. Yep, that pretty much says it all.