Better Off? Who says????

"Well, you're better off."

These are the words that are repeated so often after someone has heard of your unfortunate circumstances, i.e. THE DIVORCE .  Am I better off? This judgement from someone who is usually married and speaking from the relative comfort of a marital relationship. I never hear this from those of us who are divorced or widowed.  Exactly how am I better??

• Sleepless nights worrying about money. 
•  Sleepless nights worrying about the health of emotionally ravaged children.
• Friendships or perceived friendships that just vanish into thin air 
• Sexually suspect all of a sudden, the subject of moral ridicule, the subject of sexual ridicule
• lonely nights,  lonely mornings.
• family vacations that will never happen
• Vacationing alone because you have no one to take
• The subject of much neighborhood gossip
• Christmas cards cut by 80%
• Painful holidays 
• Birthdays that just slip by   
• The inevitable letters from lawyers or CPA's telling you that your decree is going to change
• Trying your best to stand up when all you want to do is crumble
• A regretful past, an uncertain present and a completely frightening future 

Then there is the blossoming friendship, the renewed friendships,  the
man that helps you feel alive again. the laughter, the tears. Some new
opportunities, business or otherwise. There is a call from a friend, "Buy a plane ticket,  we're going to Mexico!"There is the regret in a friend's eyes because they judged you wrongly and they miss you.  But you know that they have lost you and that's ok. Maybe your new friends will appreciate you more and you will make better choices of friends and relationships in the frightening future.   

 

I do have my health again. I am most grateful for that and my kids have shown real maturity in building a new relationship with their estranged father.  The past is not all regret. I know logically and literally, that he is the one who has  lost and really suffering, so why doesn't this make me feel victorious? Are any of us really better off?

Alone is not lonely...not anymore

So, several months after separating from my husband.  One intense love affair which went down in flames (not my choice btw) Another rekindling of a flame from long ago, but my the passion for him on my side was no longer there.  And yes, even a fling with a man much younger than I....a fantasy come true, and I found out I CAN have sex without love and enjoy it, but it's not my preference.  So, I sit here alone, on a Saturday night, the night of the biggest full moon EVER.  It is cloudy, but a beautiful warm evening and I sit here on my back porch listening to Pandora Radio, with Lauryn Hill as the station.  I am happy.  Six months ago, I would have been lonely.  I would have frantically texted, emailed, facebooked anyone I could think of to NOT feel lonely.  But, I don't need to do that anymore.

Being with myself is enough.  Knowing that the love I want is inside of me,  not outside.  I can just give out love, non conditional, but with boundaries.  By freeing myself to give love and not be needy about it, I find myself OK with being alone on a Saturday night.  Ok with just sitting here, enjoying the evening, the music and solitude.

It was a long time coming, this feeling.  It was a painful transition from being lost to maybe just maybe, finding myself again.  I hope this feeling lasts.  It is liberating.  I hope you find it too, all you ladies out there who I know are just like me.  Searching for someone to fill that space, when that someone is you.  Take heart, and know that to be true, and the love you seek will be present, always.

Choices

I almost went back to my ex this weekend.  I was "this close" to just changing my mind, about leaving a marraige which had been passionless for the past 10 years, husband disengaged.  Despite attempts over the years to wake him up and get some attention, he remained oblivious to my desire to be with him, spend time together experiencing new things.  And when I finally told him I was unhappy, needed to separate, he was shocked!   From other women I have talked to, this seems to happen all the time.  Men need to be hit over the head to hear us, and by the time we have the nerve to do such, we have already left emotionally.  And it is tough to go back.  But since leaving I have discovered, the world out there isn't much better.  What are the chances of a 50 year old woman finding someone else who will love her?  My ex says he still loves me, will take me back.  He has changed quite a bit since I left, but do I trust that will continue?  And what if I go back and I feel that overwhelming suffocation that forced me to leave in the first place?  If I can't go back with full commitment, I shouldn't go back at all.  That would not be fair to him.  So, I feel I need to take action with this feeling, but a wise friend advised me not to "do anything."  Just sit with it and see what happens.  Meanwhile the clock is ticking, and I feel life may be passing me by.  Tough choices, life choices. But whatever I choose, it will be OK.  I could meet someone tomorrow who will change my life.  So, I will stay the course, stay in the boat and ride down the river, regardless of the inevitable rough waters which maybe ahead, or perhaps, just perhaps, a nice calm flowing river.  We will see....