So, several months after separating from my husband. One intense love affair which went down in flames (not my choice btw) Another rekindling of a flame from long ago, but my the passion for him on my side was no longer there. And yes, even a fling with a man much younger than I....a fantasy come true, and I found out I CAN have sex without love and enjoy it, but it's not my preference. So, I sit here alone, on a Saturday night, the night of the biggest full moon EVER. It is cloudy, but a beautiful warm evening and I sit here on my back porch listening to Pandora Radio, with Lauryn Hill as the station. I am happy. Six months ago, I would have been lonely. I would have frantically texted, emailed, facebooked anyone I could think of to NOT feel lonely. But, I don't need to do that anymore.
Being with myself is enough. Knowing that the love I want is inside of me, not outside. I can just give out love, non conditional, but with boundaries. By freeing myself to give love and not be needy about it, I find myself OK with being alone on a Saturday night. Ok with just sitting here, enjoying the evening, the music and solitude.
It was a long time coming, this feeling. It was a painful transition from being lost to maybe just maybe, finding myself again. I hope this feeling lasts. It is liberating. I hope you find it too, all you ladies out there who I know are just like me. Searching for someone to fill that space, when that someone is you. Take heart, and know that to be true, and the love you seek will be present, always.
Sex in a New Life: Over 40 and Seeking This blog discusses the situations and experiences encountered by two women who have lived many lives and are seeking new ones. We have been through dating, marraiges, careers, childrearing, illness, divorce and the challenge of creating fulfilling relationships over 40.
Love this post. It is so true. I'm finally at that place myself. Have been disappointed by so many relationships. I enjoy being with me, tonight I made myself a fabulous dinner, enjoyed it with a glass of wine, read a book curled up on my couch and just enjoyed the day. I actually turned down an opportuntity to meet up with my "sometimes" boyfriend because I preferred to spend the day by myself. What a great joy it is to find your best friend is with you all the time!
ReplyDeleteJesus Christ. I'm a 40 yr old man and suddenly find myself alone after being with a woman and her son. Turns out she'd been cheating on me with an old flame. For years.
ReplyDeleteI'm on day 85 on my own. Not doing very well. Trying like HELL though. Am looking forward to being comfortable once again on my own. I'm afraid it is very hard to visualize just yet.