Choices

I almost went back to my ex this weekend.  I was "this close" to just changing my mind, about leaving a marraige which had been passionless for the past 10 years, husband disengaged.  Despite attempts over the years to wake him up and get some attention, he remained oblivious to my desire to be with him, spend time together experiencing new things.  And when I finally told him I was unhappy, needed to separate, he was shocked!   From other women I have talked to, this seems to happen all the time.  Men need to be hit over the head to hear us, and by the time we have the nerve to do such, we have already left emotionally.  And it is tough to go back.  But since leaving I have discovered, the world out there isn't much better.  What are the chances of a 50 year old woman finding someone else who will love her?  My ex says he still loves me, will take me back.  He has changed quite a bit since I left, but do I trust that will continue?  And what if I go back and I feel that overwhelming suffocation that forced me to leave in the first place?  If I can't go back with full commitment, I shouldn't go back at all.  That would not be fair to him.  So, I feel I need to take action with this feeling, but a wise friend advised me not to "do anything."  Just sit with it and see what happens.  Meanwhile the clock is ticking, and I feel life may be passing me by.  Tough choices, life choices. But whatever I choose, it will be OK.  I could meet someone tomorrow who will change my life.  So, I will stay the course, stay in the boat and ride down the river, regardless of the inevitable rough waters which maybe ahead, or perhaps, just perhaps, a nice calm flowing river.  We will see....